Sock Gnomes

Yes, they are a real problem. How do I know they exist you ask? Well, let me share with you my nightmares with socks. And I don't mean that literally....no, I really don't go to sleep and have crazy dreams about killer socks. Although, between you and me, that's probably the ONLY topic I've never dreamt about...

ANYWAY....socks. We have lived in this house for 8 years. Over this span of time, I have literally had hundreds of socks. We live in northern Minnesota, so, in the winter, socks are generally manditory. So, let's see...I have purchased approximately 12 pair of socks a year (which is a low number), multiply by 8 years, that's.....HOLY COW! That's 96 pair of socks!!!

Would you like to take a guess as to how many pair of socks I currently own??? Five. FIVE. I MIGHT be able to gather up to 10 pair, if I'm not too fussy on if they match. And yes, I HAVE worn mismatched socks because I have no others. No, we're not just talking kind of the same socks...we're talking I have actually worn one ankle sock and one knee sock. Yes. I have. I just tried to kind of limp when I walked so it wasn't so noticeable.

But...where do they go??? SOCK GNOMES. How else can you explain 90 PAIR of socks that have just vanished?? Granted, I am not the world's best housekeeper, but I would think I would stumble across a small ski hill of socks somewhere inside, or outside, of my house!!!!

My thought is this: After I wear the socks, they become imbued with a special, magical force. NO...not STINK. A lovely scented magical force. The Keebler Elves sneak in under the cloak of darkness and gather up my socks! You can see where this is going, right? They use MY socks for fuel in their tree bakeries. OMG, it all makes perfect sense! If this is, indeed, the case, I can rest soundly knowing that I am doing my part to make sure you all can enjoy chocolate chip cookies and those fudge striped ones...you know, the ones you can wear on your finger and eat around in a circle. Oh, come on....you've done it before....

If, on the other hand, it's NOT the Keebler Elves, and is instead a diabolical brand of sock gnome, don't be surprised to read THIS in the newspaper one morning over your bowl of cornflakes:

WOMAN FOUND DEAD UNDER PILE OF SOCKS. Rough estimate ranges anywhere from 200 to 2 million individual socks. Crime was NOT committed by Keebler Elves. Police urge locals to be on the look-out of a thieving band of sock gnomes who will probably be replenishing their stock. Film at 11:00.

My moral of the story? Eat a cookie off your finger, keep an eye on your socks, and if you can spare a pair, I'll give you my address!