Thank You All

I want to take a moment tonight and thank you all who have sent me your kind thoughts, wishes, and prayers. They have meant so much. I never realized how something like this could hurt so badly. But, to know we have so many people thinking of us and praying for us eases the pain.

I wish I had a decision to post, but right now, I just don't. One minute I think I know what we are going to do, and feel positive about it, and then the next minute, it just feels wrong. Right now we're weighing two options: A) submit new applications for Vietnam stating we will take the referral of a boy; B) submit new applications for Vietnam stating we are sticking with taking a girl.

Those of you who aren't in the 'know' are probably wondering why it is such a difficult decision. First of all, Mike has always said he only wants ONE child. I want a girl, therefore, we have asked for a girl. However, I feel time is growing extremely short for adoptions from Vietnam. I am just unsure if we would get a referral for a girl, and stil have enough time to finish the adoption before the Vietnam program stopped altogether. Therefore, we need to consider accepting a boy.

I know boys are great, too. I really do. However, we have invested financially and emotionally for the past two years in the idea that we would have a daughter. I have a huge wardrobe built already for a little girl. Furniture, toys, high chair, car seat, all for a little girl. So, enter yet another plan. Adopt a little boy now from Vietnam, and still wait out a girl from China. Sounds good, right? Well, Mike does not want two children. Again, in my mind for the past two years, I have seen us with one child. Also, if we adopt a boy from Vietnam, I don't want him seeing all this stuff we've bought for a little girl and have him thinking he was a second choice.

I thought I had it figured out today. After talking with Mike, we would take a referral for a boy, and then wait to see what happens with China for our girl. In the meantime, we could see what it was really like to be parents, and whether we could handle two children. I felt this was sound reasoning. And now tonight, all I can think about is this isn't right...this isn't the baby girl I thought we would adopt from Vietnam.

I feel like I am being selfish. And perhaps petty. We need to make a decision quickly, also, because time is a factor. And yet I feel paralyzed to make a decision. I am still so grieving the little girl we were promised. I try to tell myself that I knew all along this could happen. But, she felt so right. She already felt as if she fit into our family like a missing puzzle piece. And now I have to find a different piece to fill that spot. I'm just not sure I can do it.

But again, (I'm rambling here...) thank you all so much for the comforting thoughts and prayers. Please know they are truly helpful and mean the world. Peace be with you all tonite.